123AM

Today... Seriously?

Woke up at 1, got food, went out -played with Loralie and Alicia until 5, came home took a shower, cried, watched some tv with my sister, got a text from Eric that he was busy tomorrow, went to my room, cried, cried, cried, looked at my Joel scrapbook, cried, wrote in my Joel journal, cried, read my old blogs from right after Joel died, bawled, contemplated calling Shane, cried... decided against, cried somemore, decided to lurk.

Now I'm letting my face unswell.

I don't see this day ever having an good significance, other than it's the day that the man who molested me died. That was my first clue that Joel would some how save my life.

And he did. I'm sure of it, if Joel hadn't killed himself, and I wouldn't have got the relationships with his family that I have out of it, and I wouldn't have seen how much something like this affects a family. If Joel hadn't, I probably would have. And that's ironic to me, cause Joel and I never even talked about anything of the sort, I don't even think he knew about how bad it used to be. I don't think I even told him about the days where I drank myself to sleep at 12 years old, and the day that I showed my Dad the cuts on my arms because the only way I felt alive was seeing that blood, I was so numb, it didn't even hurt.

I guess we kept the same secret from each other.
Our infatuation with our own self-destruction.

He didn't know anything about it, he just saved me anyway, but I wish he would have saved himself. Him being in my life, saved me enough. He made me feel whole. I never had that feeling before him and have yet to have that feeling again. I may have a cover over that hole, but it's still very much there.

As much as I think suicide is a cowardly act, I know that I am too much of a coward to ever go through with the act. Or does that make me too strong? Too willing to live? Or too scared to let down everyone who actually has an ounce of affection for me? I don't know. I don't care. I think about death, and my death all the time, not out of hatred for life, but just because of Joel. Sometimes yeah, it's rough as hell living without the only person who ever loved me, but I'm still here and I've got a whole life ahead of me, and as much time as I sit around waiting for something to be exciting or something to happen, it will, someday. Someday my life will have all the things I'm looking for, I just have to wait.

And I'm willing, maybe cause I'm a coward, maybe cause I'm patient, maybe just out of spite because of your actions Joel Dalton Bennett.

You saved me, I just wish I could have saved you,
and I hope that you will help me save Shane.