1059PM

Last night, I didn't sleep. Last night, I laid there, counting minutes, counting hours, counting thoughts, counting sheep. Wondering where all the people I've been with are, and if anyone I know is worth adding to the list, if anyone is worthy of loving me. Anyone who I think is, is too far for me to call expecting them to listen to me ramble on at 4am. It's a gift, I suppose.

And then I thought, what am I going to do, what am I going to do when someone actually cares? That strange day when the there's a rip in the universe and someone decides they could handle me and my crazy way of life? What would I do? I think about it and I dream about it, but all in all, I'm not sure I would know what to do if love punched me in the face.

I cried myself to sleep, I cried when I woke up, I cried in the shower, but then I was trying to put on make up so I made myself stop. I HATE Joel's birthday. Out of all the day's that are memorable of my life with Joel, this one is the absolute worst to me, almost as bad as the day he died.

It irritates me, a birthday is a celebration of life... making it another year. I hate when people leave stuff on his webpages wishing him a Happy Birthday, 22, he would have been in an hour.

WOULD HAVE BEEN. Joel isn't here, not because something happened to him. Joel didn't celebrate 21, and he won't be celebrating 22, because HE CHOSE TO LEAVE. And I refuse to recognize this day as his birthday any longer because of that decision.

I'm trying to find things to do tomorrow, and hopefully hang out with Alicia and Loralie, I just can't sit around, especially by myself here in this apartment.

I'm going to Eric's on Wednesday, hopefully that clears my mind.
I have an interview on Thursday. Wish me luck...