235AM

Just got home from A Day to Remember, absolutely exhausted.
And I have a sweat rash between my legs, ughhhhh. I need sleep!

1054PM

Someone smashed my headlight in last night.
When I find out who, I will kill them.

1238PM

I had the strangest dream last night.

A meteor came crashing down in the woods by my aunt's house and all these people were there walking around trying to help each other, acting like the world was ending. In the midst of all this, I met a brother of Joel's who I had never met?? And he was like helping me through the crowd and stuff and we were talking. It was really weird because it was the first dream I've ever had that the actualization that Joel was dead. Usually he's alive, and then I wake up histerical. Anyway, then it was daylight and my aunt Linda was in my aunt E's house cleaning up this mess? It was so messed up in the house, which is also strange because my aunt's house is immaculate. But I went upstairs to talk to my Aunt Linda and my cousins were up there fighting over stuff, which is nothing new? But we kept hearing this noise like someone was singing and making funny whistling noises, but there was no one around so I went downstairs and started to walk around, and I found two cats sitting on the picnic table, and I went over to pet them and say Hi like I always do to animals and the one cat, said Hi back and started talking to me, and was singing the song he had been. It was so fucked up! But then I walked back around the house and these people were arguing with Joel's brother and someone like held his arms in a lock so he would get in a fight with this other guy, and someone said something like..."You'll never get into the insurance business so just give up, you messed it up." And even though we were like falling in love and it bothered me that they were arguing, I totally just walked past the whole ordeal and waited for it to be over cause I had no idea what it was about.

But in the end, all the people were gone and nobody was frantic about the world ending cause we had all survived the night and the meteor cooled off, and didn't explode. It really made no sense at all.

237AM

I'm done. I'm uncomfortable with how much I care about him. And how much he doesn't seem to care.


I cried a whole lot today, everyone I wanted to talk to is either dead or hates me. I tried to go for a walk and it started raining, luckily Heather was home so it was nice to actually catch her and talk. I might actually have a babysitting job during the summer. That'd be decent and nice to add to if I get that photo lab job next semester. But anyway, I came home - showered, cried some more, messed up my whole face so I just wiped it off and went to class an hour late when I actually calmed down. Had class, got an 81% on my drawing, met Kara at the photo lab who surprised me with Puppy Chow and cheered me up a bit! That was refreshing. I came home, talked to my sister for a bit, then Brook came over. I made birthday cards for Ash and Kara. We made a hilarious facebook video, I'm so glad I know how now. It's so fun. I also made my schedule for next semester, should be really good if I can get it! Kara and I will have lots of time together. I hope we can get an apartment maybe the semester after this...

I hope to do something fun this weekend. Nobody even got to see my spray tan and now it's gone pretty much! Oh welllllll. The end of my horrible fucking day, was actually really fun. I haven't got to actually hang with Brook since... forever. It's a good thing I have like 4 friends. :)

Somebody's gotta keep me in line!

1122PM

So I wrote Shane's letter the other night and this morning I texted him to see if he had a clinic and he actually answered me and then talked to me for most of the day, and we didn't get to meet up cause he had an appt. So now I feel like some of my letter is irrelevant but je hasn't replied since I told him I wrote him a letter. So who the fuck knows really, I hope something happens tomorrow...

1103PM

Loralie's party was fun, it was nice to see everyone! Came home, watched the Secret Life marathon up until the one's I've seen and then went to the photo lab to develop.

Another roll came out blank so I walked to my car and got in. Sat there and bawled, thought about Shane wanted to text him, want to call, something, anything. Couldn't bring myself to bother him. Tonight I gathered all the songs I want to put on his cd. And I think I will start the letter, since I bawled the whole way home.


I know how I feel, and what I want to say in the letter, but I don't know what I'd say if I saw him before or if he is home when I slip it under his door? I just hope he appreciates this, I can't take him not being in my life anymore.

140AM

Another weekend of doing nothing... but I didn't seem to mind so much this weekend. I cleaned all day Friday and then just ended up hanging out with Dad. I got my spray tan this morning, it looks real good. I really like it. I couldn't shower for 6 hours afterwards, and I forgot I was supposed to watch a movie with Dad. I just laid around all day, then napped, and then Dad called me shortly after I woke up.

I went over there and watched Changling, movie was a fucking frustrating waste of time, not to mention it was so loud with all the kids there I couldn't hear half of it. Oh well. Dad and Dar are going to Pittsburgh tomorrow to get Dar's motorcycle, that should be fun for them. I hope it all goes well.

Tomorrow is Loralie's birthday party and then I'm going to the photo lab probably. I can't wait to see alllllllll the Bennett's tomorrow! YAY.

Well, I should sleep in order to wake up at a decent time tomorrow.

151AM

I babysat Loralie this morning, she was good. I got her to nap.

The rest of the day absolutely sucked.
Ashley and Anthony broke up, and I'm stuck in the middle.
Anthony says he's serious. We'll see if it's for real.

Not to mention, I thought about Shane all day, but luckily didn't see him. I've been still thinking about that letter, but I want to buy him a coldworld shirt and make him a mixed cd too... I don't know. It hurts me to think of him.

I realized that loving the people I have, has always end up hurting me. I hope that someday it won't hurt me to love.

1256AM

So I was the only one who didn't use a notecard during my speech, but I only got a C. - Good enough for me! Glad I got to go first. Kara and I decided we're going to State College and Philly this weekend to take pictures for Photo, that should be fun. I'm excited!

I also decided I'm moving to Boston after college, because my estimate Graphic Design salary is at least 62,000 and I want to live in a high rise and date hot Boston men. :)

I'm such a dreamer, but it'd be wonderful!

207AM

I miss Shane. He is my every blank thought.
I think I'm going to write him a long letter.

1042PM

Laid around all day, took a shower, went to Sonestown with the Bennetts. Ah, how I missed them! I had Chicken Parm, it was soooo good. Came home, finished my roll of film, have been practicing my speech.

Joe Bozochovic re-added me on facebook today, tried to give me shit for not visiting him in the hospital when his appendix burst. Too bad I didn't even know, because I'm the one who deleted him, cause I'm tired of wasting my time when he tells me he doesn't have a girlfriend but deletes everything I left something on his page. Cool.

I also texted Eric and said that if he ever really wants to meet me, he can call me when he's in the area cause I'm tired of making plans with him too.

I really don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I'm just excited to see Kara. I just hope my speech goes okay, I know I'll be first but at least once it's over I don't have to give another for two weeks.

Hooray.

710PM

Last night I sat my drunk ass in Megan's car we went to a stupid show in Jersey Shore, then Dunkin Donuts in Lock Haven where I ended up seeing Cory's boyfriend and her posse. That was fun. They we continued to drive around until Tugga War was done and we went to Dennys by then I was sober and bored so we went back to JJs but I was tired so I went home.

I was texting Eric last night, he actually wanted me to come to State College last night but with me drinking, that didn't work ... so we made plans for tonight but of course he didn't call.

Either did Boardwalk. Oh life...

443PM

My interview went well, call backs are on Saturday. So wish me luck!!!
He really liked me, I think I got this.

I just researched Feeding America... I'm not sure I support this organization. I feel that if you are in poverty in America that you didn't work hard enough. There's plenty of ways to make money. Even if it's just a little, there is plenty of nutritional food and places you can get it real cheap. I think Americans are spoiled and not willing to swallow pride, I know that I am the same way, but I've never been in "poverty." But I've been poor, and I know how to do without alot, but my parents have both worked hard for all they could give me, and I plan on doing the same.
There's no excuses for being homeless in America, I think you're just real lazy and making excuses because you don't want to do the work that you could.

I'd rather send money to third world countries to families and children who don't have the opportunities that Americans do.

That is how I feel, kill me if you don't agree.

I'm going to hang out with Dan and Ange tonight.
I miss my Lilley pads. <3

123AM

Today... Seriously?

Woke up at 1, got food, went out -played with Loralie and Alicia until 5, came home took a shower, cried, watched some tv with my sister, got a text from Eric that he was busy tomorrow, went to my room, cried, cried, cried, looked at my Joel scrapbook, cried, wrote in my Joel journal, cried, read my old blogs from right after Joel died, bawled, contemplated calling Shane, cried... decided against, cried somemore, decided to lurk.

Now I'm letting my face unswell.

I don't see this day ever having an good significance, other than it's the day that the man who molested me died. That was my first clue that Joel would some how save my life.

And he did. I'm sure of it, if Joel hadn't killed himself, and I wouldn't have got the relationships with his family that I have out of it, and I wouldn't have seen how much something like this affects a family. If Joel hadn't, I probably would have. And that's ironic to me, cause Joel and I never even talked about anything of the sort, I don't even think he knew about how bad it used to be. I don't think I even told him about the days where I drank myself to sleep at 12 years old, and the day that I showed my Dad the cuts on my arms because the only way I felt alive was seeing that blood, I was so numb, it didn't even hurt.

I guess we kept the same secret from each other.
Our infatuation with our own self-destruction.

He didn't know anything about it, he just saved me anyway, but I wish he would have saved himself. Him being in my life, saved me enough. He made me feel whole. I never had that feeling before him and have yet to have that feeling again. I may have a cover over that hole, but it's still very much there.

As much as I think suicide is a cowardly act, I know that I am too much of a coward to ever go through with the act. Or does that make me too strong? Too willing to live? Or too scared to let down everyone who actually has an ounce of affection for me? I don't know. I don't care. I think about death, and my death all the time, not out of hatred for life, but just because of Joel. Sometimes yeah, it's rough as hell living without the only person who ever loved me, but I'm still here and I've got a whole life ahead of me, and as much time as I sit around waiting for something to be exciting or something to happen, it will, someday. Someday my life will have all the things I'm looking for, I just have to wait.

And I'm willing, maybe cause I'm a coward, maybe cause I'm patient, maybe just out of spite because of your actions Joel Dalton Bennett.

You saved me, I just wish I could have saved you,
and I hope that you will help me save Shane.

1237AM

I wish that I could tell you the things that go on in my head, and that you would understand. But at this point I know this is a false hope, and the understanding of anyone is by far out of my reach anymore. I wish that I could fix all the things that are out of place, and I wish that I had an answer, or a proposition for everyone who needs one. I wonder when things will be different, I wonder if I'll see you again, or if your story will end the same. In this case, I hope that it doesn't because I could not endure the pain but twice in this lifetime.

That event is the only reason I cannot pull through with my ideas, with my visions, if it wasn't for that, it would have been me. But I'm the coward, and all I hope is that you're as cowardly as I am. The sacrifices I'd make, just to watch the sunrise in the reflection of your eyes. You're clueless, I'm sure.I don't mind, I don't mind where you wander. But you know where you need to be and you know that you can't keep your wall up for ever. My walls broke, and your's will soon come crumbling down, for I am the giant with the hatchet tearing them down. You never once underestimated me.

Don't start now.

621PM

I miss this girl.

More so because I really miss this boy.

And this lifestyle.

Happy could have been, would have been 22, Joel Dalton.

I've got to shower now and turn off my brain for a while.

543PM

"All aboard!" the conductor screams.

He knew he was the only one the could save their dreams. He had to pick who lived and died solely by occupation. He played God in all their lives. He was the reason why a million people had to die on that day. And as he stared into all their faces, he heard the screams of those trying to be saved. He played God in all their lives that day. Nothing's as scary as the earth crumbling. Nothing could numb the pain of knowing tomorrow will never be. He lit up a cigarette in hopes to calm his nerves and as the smoke filled his lungs, he prayed to an unmerciful lord. Excuse me sir, I forget your name. I'm just another nameless face that won't see another day. Excuse me sir I'm sorry that my worst nightmares are my only grasp on sanity. I wish I could save this world from dying. But now it's my turn to become another piece of matter floating endlessly through the abyss above.

No love can save me. No love can save me. No love can save me.

Time stopped. It all went black. All the memories that I've had from my past escaped through my brain. The silence deafening could drive one insane. All that I've worked for and all the friends I've made are just as useless as hoping a God might come save me. No one can blame faith for trying to ease the pain. But when the world ends, there will just be nothing.

Nothing. Nothinggggggggggggggg.

No. 51, The Carrier plays over in my head.
I wish my shirt would come already.

1059PM

Last night, I didn't sleep. Last night, I laid there, counting minutes, counting hours, counting thoughts, counting sheep. Wondering where all the people I've been with are, and if anyone I know is worth adding to the list, if anyone is worthy of loving me. Anyone who I think is, is too far for me to call expecting them to listen to me ramble on at 4am. It's a gift, I suppose.

And then I thought, what am I going to do, what am I going to do when someone actually cares? That strange day when the there's a rip in the universe and someone decides they could handle me and my crazy way of life? What would I do? I think about it and I dream about it, but all in all, I'm not sure I would know what to do if love punched me in the face.

I cried myself to sleep, I cried when I woke up, I cried in the shower, but then I was trying to put on make up so I made myself stop. I HATE Joel's birthday. Out of all the day's that are memorable of my life with Joel, this one is the absolute worst to me, almost as bad as the day he died.

It irritates me, a birthday is a celebration of life... making it another year. I hate when people leave stuff on his webpages wishing him a Happy Birthday, 22, he would have been in an hour.

WOULD HAVE BEEN. Joel isn't here, not because something happened to him. Joel didn't celebrate 21, and he won't be celebrating 22, because HE CHOSE TO LEAVE. And I refuse to recognize this day as his birthday any longer because of that decision.

I'm trying to find things to do tomorrow, and hopefully hang out with Alicia and Loralie, I just can't sit around, especially by myself here in this apartment.

I'm going to Eric's on Wednesday, hopefully that clears my mind.
I have an interview on Thursday. Wish me luck...

733PM

Joel's birthday is on Tuesday.
I'm trying to ignore this fact of life.
This day upsets me.


Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Thad at the Boardwalk about a job,
It'd be really great if he hired me. I know that he wanted to before...

I'm supposed to go to State College sometime this week as well,
but if he doesn't get back to me, I'm about done with this bullshit.
If he can't make time for me already, how is anything else suppose to become?

Today is day 22 without soda.
I can feel the difference, I just hope others will start seeing it soon.

I'm so numb today from the rain and sleeping so late,
nothing really on my mind, maybe later I will write something.

After I watch Russell Brand on Comedy Central <33