225PM

Alone, or not alone, today I will carry myself strong.

I will not let these people realize I am freaking out.

I will have a good time and enjoy myself.






I hope.

1226PM

My boy..... he's so handsome.



He's currently in the bathroom adventuring since yesterday was his first time in there...all I can see are his paws under the door, he's sniffin' real hard.

This is the last week of my English class! Tonight we present our powerpoint and then I have to write my last essay by Thursday afternoon!!!! Then I have no more English classes ever ever again! :)

My aunt Linda's in town, I missed out on yesterday's festivities because of work and homework, but tonight we're gettin' Tags at my sister's. I'm really excited for the food, not so much the company. My dad's sisters are all younger but incredibly rude and not understanding to what our lives have been hacked into. They really disgust me sometimes at the things they say to or about my father.

But hopefully nothing is too drastic and we can enjoy like 3 hours together.

Bunny just landed in my lap. What a nut, I've got to shower and get ready for class.

Yippee Skippy.

220PM

Bought myself a birthday present :)

421AM

"Damn girl, you are trying to fight a war, and you need to just pick a battle. One at a time."


Someone I ignore most of the time gave me great advice, being that it's almost 4am and I have been laying here hyper-ventilating and crying for hours. I am in such a horrible place. I am so unhappy with so many things right now, and there's only two things I blame things on and this time it isn't myself.

I just recently got really excited about hopefully moving to NYC next summer to intern but even though I'm taking FOUR classes this summer, I'm still going to need an extra semester to graduate because only two of my Edinboro classes counted as something at PCT.

So I am stuck here until Fall of 2012 and I am not going to intern until Summer of 2012 instead, which I guess will be better, cause I'll be done with my degree other than the few science classes I will have to come to finish for my degree, but I AM JUST SO TIRED OF THIS FUCKING PLACE and all these stupid fucking people. I have like 3 friends and when I have off, they are no where to be found.

I feel like no one here is genuine at all anymore, I just miss the big family of friend I had, and I always blame people's behavior on myself, that it's me that turns them away or cuts them off. Lately I feel like so many people are ignoring me, and then there are those that actually are, and I just don't get it. Nobody seems to have the balls to tell me if I did something wrong, but I'm pretty sure I haven't talkedshit about anyone in quite sometime so Idk, maybe I just suck??? MAYBE YOU ALL SUCK. It just adds to how STUCK I feel here. I don't have a substantial support circle other than my family.

My family is the only decent thing right now, I'm so excited for my nephew and my god daughter to get here and my sister and best friend to be not pregnant haha!

But as happy I am for both of them, sometimes I just get so jealous. I'm twenty, I want to move away and I don't expect to meet the love of my life anywhere near Williamsport, PA but man the things I would do for someone to love me lately, for anyone to listen to me for like an hour, without judging, yelling, or making sexual references... I might propose right then and there....

It's been so long since I had meaningful conversation and actually enjoyed just being around someone that it made me smile automatically...

and all of this triggers Joel, and it kills me.

I don't like to think about what if because it will never be, so I just shake my head and move on but I can't help but think all of this would be so different if he was still here. I would have spent time searching colleges rather than just picking the first one that accepted me and then I would probably graduate on time and maybe he'd still be around he would have been done after my freshman year, maybe he could have come to where I was, and I wouldn't be back here stuck in the place I hate the most. I wouldn't be lonely. I would have someone to talk to, whether we were together or not

I've never met someone before or after Joel that I could just talk to for 9 hours straight and not get bored, no one...

And out of all of these things, nothing upsets me more than how alone I feel and how much I miss him. I was really breaking out of my shell, I am constantly taking one step up and two steps back. Joel hasn't been the focus in my life in so long and I yelled at him in the car the other night, but I just can't seem to shake the scariest feeling that he was it for me, and now that he's gone, no more love will come my way.

I will not be able to stand it, the memories I have of him are so strong but they'll never enough to carry me through this life alone, Love has such a giant impact in my life, I was always the girl in junior high to always have a crush. I haven't even been looking at people anymore, absolutely no one is attractive to me lately and I haven't been interested in anyone in months, I had a real one night stand for GOD SAKE and I didn't even give a fuck, and I still don't I haven't talked to the kid and I don't care to.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I've got to pick a battle and stop trying to fight the war alone.

I need to be okay that I'll be graduating Fall 2012 but I will be the best damn intern ever, and I will get a job that keeps me so I can move back to NYC, and I've got to sift through all these assholes and find myself a couple more genuine friends, stay off facebook, find things to entertain myself whether I have company or not. Save up money for vacations to make living here a little more okay, only two more years, only two more years. Then I don't ever have to come back if I don't want to.

I can do this... I can do this...
I'll do it with all my might, maybe even out of spite JDB.
You messed up your life, but I still have mine.

I just want to make the most of it!

551PM

Everytime I wake up crying, someone I know dies that day.
I don't know how I got this power, I can just feel it.


Jason,

I wish I would have texted you this week, but I got too busy and now I'll never get to say goodbye. Thanks for all the good times and laughs at the store. Thanks for always being understanding and being the best boss anyone could ask for. You made Movie Gallery what it was and it definitely sucked without you. I'll never forget the first time we talked and all the funny things you used to say to me. I'll always be your "good girl" that everyone's afraid of. I'll miss you so much buddy.

Rest in Peace.

1219AM

Brook's having a girl, Sophie.

My sister's having a baby, gotta a puppy and is now engaged.

And as much as I wanted most of those things weeks ago,

I'm just so fucking glad to know I'm gonna have my life back come May 7

and Summer/Fall are going to be such easy living and not so much stress

Now if only I could find a decent guy to be on the same page everyday.

Hehhhhh.

2 Months until my birthday.

Chanel Chance Eau Tendre comes out on Easter, I want it sooooo bad.

And I'm getting my baby bunny on Thursday yessssss.

Life's not so bad, just lonely.

1016PM

We find out what my God baby is tomorrowwwwwwwwwwwww. YAY.

1220AM

Today I met the most gorgeous, intriguing boy.


And then I met his girlfriend.

1124AM

Happy 30th Birthday Sister! <3 you.

1229AM

Today I was explaining to someone who is not a Graphic Design major how frustrating and time consuming being a Graphic Design major is and she asked me,

"Doesn't doing all that ever make you not want to be a Graphic Designer?"

And I sat there and I thought, Hahaha, I bitch and moan about all these projects and how many hours of my life they take up, but I never don't do them, and I never once thought about it, and I never once got discouraged about being a Graphic Designer.

I truely love what I do. Feels good. :)

620PM

Who ever in the sky that listens to me bitch, and when I'm down so hard that I actually fold my hands and pray...



Please let my Dad get this job.

It's perfect, and it would help him get on his feet,
and I can feel okay about moving on with my life.

Please.

1256AM

I can't take much more of this semester. I want my life back.

I want my cabin, I need sunshine. I need Grover.

I need love, I need fires, I need alcohol, I need relaxation.

My pot is boiling over. :(

419PM

Proposition was chickened out on, not on my part. The one I'm crazy about still hates me. 2+ years and I still feel like no one is ever going to love me again.

Where is the only living person I want to see right now? I haven't seen or heard from him in months, but I miss him so much. Please call me.

I'm in no condition to work tonight, but I guess I don't have a choice.

I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Ughhhhhh why do I feel like this?

208AM

I feel like I have alot to say but I know now that I've started typing I will forget most of it.

01/16 Dad, Marissa and I went to Norwood to get my Land Rover. Awesome day.

01/17 Land Rover transmission blew on my way to work.

01/18 Had a very good night with my sister, Ryan, Mom and Steve, got Chinese and played Boggle, laughed alot. Great success.

But what I've really been blown away by this week is how upset I was about my LandRover but seeing the positive in the fact that we made it all the way home before this happened and how quickly things have recovered really... are just awesome. Dad found me a new transmission and it's on it's way even though repairs will take a while.

Today it's official I got a second job working in the Photo Lab at school on Tuesdays and Sundays. Splendid, since Jason got fired and Movie Gallery sucks but I've still got to stay until Starbucks guy calls me in the Spring or I find something else.

Last night, I recieved a proposition from someone I would have never thought would given me the chance. This excites me. ALOT.

So most things right now are right in transition, school is pretty stressful getting back in the swing of things, spending just about 700 dollars on supplies and books... Penn College rules, right? But even though money's gonna be tight for a while, I'm at peace. I've got steady awesome friends, a steady head on my shoulders and yeah I'm taking the proposition cause I said it wasn't gonna be anything and it most likely won't, but I'd be an idiot for passing it up. Sometimes I still feel the hole in my heart, but I know if I just stop thinking about it and let it alone, some good will happen - and I'm hoping maybe that will happen out of all this?

"You'll never find it, if you're looking for it."

and on one little negative note that really pisses me off, Penn College students keep getting robbed by Niggers in Williamsport, and trust me I use the term loosely, I'm not one bit racist and I usually stop myself from stereotyping. There's a difference between a black person and a nigger, some are even white. When you can't make a life for yourself that all you can do is harm others so you can get cash for your drugs and stupid shit, it makes me want to tear your insides out. They've been mostly outside campus, thank god not inner campus but really... I don't carry cash but I do carry a knife motherfuckers.

I've got to work 3-7 today, I shouldn't have napped from 5-9 earlier.
Show tomorrow in Lewisburg, good bands, good happenings.

Hopefully. ;)

212PM

People who don't care about other people, don't keep tabs on said people.




Just sayin'.

151AM

I'm high.

He loved me, that's all I know.

I'm getting my hair did

and maybe a tattoo on Friday.

I live off impulse lately.

I'm burnt from a tanning bed.
I'm burnt from smoking.

I got an Aqua Massage. It was bangin'.

2010! 429PM

So it's finally 2010. I actually had a great night with TRUE friends. I'm home now, relaxing, watching tv, but I've been sitting here thinking about the past year.

I just want to say fuck 2009 and all the bullshit that came with it. Looking back it blows my mind all the shit I put up with this year. It took me so long to come out of my shell and start wanting to be around people again, and with every other day people made me take a step back. But what blows my mind even more is why I even allowed those people around, maybe I didn't have a choice each time but seriously it's not that way anymore and things aren't the same.

So to those who felt I deserved or that it was hilarious to trash my place, steal from me, lie to my face, make false promises, piss in my bed, treat me like dirt, mess with my head, etc. etc.

It really wasn't, and I certainly didn't deserve any of it. Sorry I'm not as awesome as all of you cause school and my future are important to me. Sorry you all don't seem to have much going for you, and you are caught up daily in your "he said, she said" bullshit drama. Have fun being stuck in your small town areas for the rest of your life, with your poor desisions and dead end jobs.

I forgive, but I DON'T forget.

I count my friends by quality not quantity, my three or four true friends have manners and respect. Therefore I don't need you, don't want you, and I surely don't give a shit about you.

2010 will be much better without you. Best of Luck.