Friday, June 11, 2010


"Damn girl, you are trying to fight a war, and you need to just pick a battle. One at a time."

Someone I ignore most of the time gave me great advice, being that it's almost 4am and I have been laying here hyper-ventilating and crying for hours. I am in such a horrible place. I am so unhappy with so many things right now, and there's only two things I blame things on and this time it isn't myself.

I just recently got really excited about hopefully moving to NYC next summer to intern but even though I'm taking FOUR classes this summer, I'm still going to need an extra semester to graduate because only two of my Edinboro classes counted as something at PCT.

So I am stuck here until Fall of 2012 and I am not going to intern until Summer of 2012 instead, which I guess will be better, cause I'll be done with my degree other than the few science classes I will have to come to finish for my degree, but I AM JUST SO TIRED OF THIS FUCKING PLACE and all these stupid fucking people. I have like 3 friends and when I have off, they are no where to be found.

I feel like no one here is genuine at all anymore, I just miss the big family of friend I had, and I always blame people's behavior on myself, that it's me that turns them away or cuts them off. Lately I feel like so many people are ignoring me, and then there are those that actually are, and I just don't get it. Nobody seems to have the balls to tell me if I did something wrong, but I'm pretty sure I haven't talkedshit about anyone in quite sometime so Idk, maybe I just suck??? MAYBE YOU ALL SUCK. It just adds to how STUCK I feel here. I don't have a substantial support circle other than my family.

My family is the only decent thing right now, I'm so excited for my nephew and my god daughter to get here and my sister and best friend to be not pregnant haha!

But as happy I am for both of them, sometimes I just get so jealous. I'm twenty, I want to move away and I don't expect to meet the love of my life anywhere near Williamsport, PA but man the things I would do for someone to love me lately, for anyone to listen to me for like an hour, without judging, yelling, or making sexual references... I might propose right then and there....

It's been so long since I had meaningful conversation and actually enjoyed just being around someone that it made me smile automatically...

and all of this triggers Joel, and it kills me.

I don't like to think about what if because it will never be, so I just shake my head and move on but I can't help but think all of this would be so different if he was still here. I would have spent time searching colleges rather than just picking the first one that accepted me and then I would probably graduate on time and maybe he'd still be around he would have been done after my freshman year, maybe he could have come to where I was, and I wouldn't be back here stuck in the place I hate the most. I wouldn't be lonely. I would have someone to talk to, whether we were together or not

I've never met someone before or after Joel that I could just talk to for 9 hours straight and not get bored, no one...

And out of all of these things, nothing upsets me more than how alone I feel and how much I miss him. I was really breaking out of my shell, I am constantly taking one step up and two steps back. Joel hasn't been the focus in my life in so long and I yelled at him in the car the other night, but I just can't seem to shake the scariest feeling that he was it for me, and now that he's gone, no more love will come my way.

I will not be able to stand it, the memories I have of him are so strong but they'll never enough to carry me through this life alone, Love has such a giant impact in my life, I was always the girl in junior high to always have a crush. I haven't even been looking at people anymore, absolutely no one is attractive to me lately and I haven't been interested in anyone in months, I had a real one night stand for GOD SAKE and I didn't even give a fuck, and I still don't I haven't talked to the kid and I don't care to.


I've got to pick a battle and stop trying to fight the war alone.

I need to be okay that I'll be graduating Fall 2012 but I will be the best damn intern ever, and I will get a job that keeps me so I can move back to NYC, and I've got to sift through all these assholes and find myself a couple more genuine friends, stay off facebook, find things to entertain myself whether I have company or not. Save up money for vacations to make living here a little more okay, only two more years, only two more years. Then I don't ever have to come back if I don't want to.

I can do this... I can do this...
I'll do it with all my might, maybe even out of spite JDB.
You messed up your life, but I still have mine.

I just want to make the most of it!

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